That Which We Forget
by Koko-chan1
Summary: A wish made, a price paid...but what can anyone do when one doesn't remember that the wish was made, and the other can't forget? Kurofai


Title: That Which We Forget

My entry for the Kurofai olympics. I was on team Drama, and the prompt was 'Amnesia'.

Rating: R for violence and Kurogane's dirty mouth

Prologue

_Infinity_

"Fai. Kurogane."

Fai looked up at the image of the Dimension Witch, trying not to tremble in front of her gaze. "Yuuko-san," he whispered, his voice flat and strained, "I have a wish."

Laying on the bed at the other end of the room, propped up by pillows because _damned _if he was going to meet this flat on his back, Kurogane grit his teeth. "_We_ have a wish." he corrected in a soft growl.

One elegant brow rose, Yuuko seeming unperturbed by the scene she surely saw before her, the swordsman battered and bruised, skin far too pale, his body covered in bandages. Fai stiff and strained and seeming near transparent as he tried to contain some unseen pressure, his skin reddened instead of pale

_because the blood had been everywhere and he'd scrubbed and scrubbed each night to get it and the memory off and hadn't cared when it hurt just that he needed to remove the color and smell and evidence of his failure until Syaoran had forced him out of the shower_

and his eyes flat and hard in a vain attempt to hide the desperation and horror that seeped through the cracks. Mokona was whimpering softly from his perch on the dresser. "And what would that wish be?"

"I want to forget," the blonde said, and the strain grew clearer in his voice, his single blue eye shifting to catslit gold and back, "I _have to forget_..."

Kurogane glanced over at him, his expression stern, but turning just the slightest bit uneasy as he saw Fai's control already slipping. "_Mage_."

Fai's hands clenched and trembled at his sides, but his voice steadied and his eye cleared as he tried again to answer the Dimension Witch. "I need you to make me forget what happened three days ago."

The other brow rose, and then Yuuko's eyes grew speculative, though perhaps just a touch sad. Fai's heart and gut lurched sickeningly. She _knew_, somehow, and a part of Fai cringed at that thought. "That is a heavy wish, Fai. If you do not remember that span of hours, you cannot recompense for them. Nor can you face the severity of your actions and make amends."

"His idea of _making amends_ was to fucking starve himself and then throw himself under the sword of one of our opponents today," Kurogane snarled, shooting a glare at the mage that was returned only with a cold flat stare. In his mind's eye, he could still see the near-feral look of reckless despair, the vicious edge to Fai's normally controlled movements as he attacked the pawns of the other team, only to leave himself wide open to the one that crept up behind him. Injured and sluggish, Kurogane had been able to do nothing but watch from the sidelines, and if Syaoran had been even the slightest bit slower... "I don't like this, Witch, don't ever assume I do. Running away from things like this solves nothing. But the Princess needs him right now, and none of us can afford to lose a fighter. Erasing that night in his memory will at least keep him from self-destructing and doing anything else moronic."

"I won't feed from you like this," Fai hissed at him, anger and smothered pain rising in his heart and stiffening his spine. "I _can't_. Just the touch of your skin disgusts me."

"Liar. It's that it tempts you too much." Kurogane snarled back, and knew he'd hit home when Fai _flinched_.

"That temptation is what I hate. I can't do this anymore! I can't stand being near you, not after what I did, the monster _you made me._" Fai hissed. "I'd rather starve than lose myself again. One swallow more and you would have died, and I wouldn't have cared until it was too late."

_And wasn't that just the very soul of irony, to be so horrified by nearly killing the pawn that he would have to destroy in order to make his wish and bring back Fai?_

"So you'll just let yourself die and leave the kid and princess to struggle on without you? Like hell, mage! I paid the price for your life, and I won't let you waste it!"

They glared at each other, and it was perhaps only Yuuko who saw the one thought shared in locked gazes in that split-second before turning away from each other.

_You are too important to lose!_

"I see," the Witch replied, unmoved by their anger and harsh words. "However, I cannot grant you that specific wish."

Fai spun back to her, his eyes wide and wild, trapped. "What? Why?!"

"You have nothing equal to that wish. I cannot completely erase that memory. Neither of you could pay that price without destroying yourselves. All I can do is seal it away deep within Fai's mind."

"And the price of that?" Fai demanded, "What do you want in exchange?"

"You do not have anything to trade for it."

The sound that rattled from Fai's throat was anger and pain and only barely human anymore. He couldn't force the words out past the sudden knot in his chest, glaring helplessly at the glowing circle that held the Witch. He was so focused on her that he jumped when Kurogane's voice rumbled behind him.

"Then I'll pay it. If he doesn't have anything to trade, that means I do. Otherwise, you wouldn't have said you could even seal the memory away."

"That is true. There is something you could pay that Fai cannot."

"No!" Fai shouted. "I don't want you paying another price for me! Haven't you done enough, Kurogane?!"

Kurogane ignored him. "What's the price, Witch?"

"Remembrance." Yuuko replied firmly. "For Fai to forget all he had done that night, you shall always remember. The pain of your injuries, the shame of getting so careless as to let yourself get hurt, the anger at those that attacked you from behind in a dark alley, all will remain as clear and cutting as it is now. And even clearer still will be the memory of what Fai became both during and after he came to your rescue. It shall never fade or dull."

"No...no..." Fai whispered, shaking his head. "I don't want...that's not..." He couldn't get the words out, couldn't _breathe_ past the idea of Kurogane never being able to forget how Fai had very nearly killed him, and had done his best to destroy anything like confidence in the man while doing so. He didn't want anyone to have to carry his shame!

Yuuko continued as if she did not hear, her gaze entirely on Kurogane now. "You will live the rest of your life with the violence of what has occurred no more than a thought away. No matter how many other recollections and events wear away in time, that night and the scars it brought you cannot be taken away. Not unless Fai himself remembers and works to mend the damage."

"I'm not afraid of violence, and I've been injured before. I'll live with it. _He_ won't. He's already refusing to feed. If this keeps up, he'll just dig at it until...shit." Kurogane realized then that this wish might be bigger than he originally thought. "You're going to have to seal the last three days, and not just that night. The mage is a moron, but he's not _stupid_. If he remembers how he acted..."

Fai went utterly still, his single ice blue eye going wide. "Then I'd...question _why_ I'd acted in like that and eventually force myself to remember, breaking my own wish. It would've been all for nothing..."

Yuuko nodded. "I can extend the seal to cover those three days, but it comes with a great risk. You will have to take steps to prevent its failure."

Kurogane wanted to be angry, but all the ninja could feel in the face of her words was tired. He glanced back at the blonde standing on the other side of the room, his red eyes full of countless mixed emotions. "You're a damn expensive bastard," he muttered.

"Then don't pay my prices for me!" Fai snarled. "Why are you even doing this? This isn't your wish!"

"No, it's not." For all that Kurogane was still too weak to leave his bed for long periods of time, his voice still cracked like a whip in the dark room. "This is stupid and weak and all you're doing is wrapping your fears around you like some sort of twisted security blanket while you run away from everything. The only reason I'm going along with this is that you're killing yourself over this and refusing to cope. And I don't have time to watch you self destruct. You're the princess's knight, aren't you? We can't afford to have you fall apart now. You wish to forget, and _I _wish for a way to keep you stable!"

_And it's worth it if you someday learn to live._

Fai still shook, but now it was in anger. "I won't forgive you if you do this, Kurogane," he whispered, his voice so cold that it was a wonder ice crystals did not fall from his lips.

Kurogane sneered, unimpressed. "You won't remember to forgive, and you have other things to hold against me already." He turned his attention back to the Dimension Witch. "What sort of steps?"

"Distance." Yuuko replied. "The memories being sealed are very powerful in Fai's mind, Kurogane. The seal itself will be stretched to its limit to hide all three days, and thus the magic that holds it will be fragile. Any relationship stronger than that you already have with each other is forbidden. Allow his heart and yours no closer to each other, for each time you do, the seal will weaken. Physical contact is also a danger, because the body will remember what the mind cannot. Get too close, and it will break. Any bond that you hoped to forge will remain unsatisfied, and the broken emotions within you will remain unmended."

Kurogane hesitated, something in him aching at this second price, for a price it was even if Yuuko didn't claim it to be. He'd never mentioned it to anyone, barely even admitting to himself his own feelings that had existed from the first moment sky blue eyes had met his own in the witch's world. After the events in the acid-burned Tokyo, there had been no point in saying anything at all, no matter if he'd wanted to or not. And now it seemed he would never be able to.

But the mage had already found it out, because Kurogane did not know how to lie and had been too slow to growl out a protest.

"_**Are you in love with me, Kurogane?"**_

They were both thinking of it, that acidic tone, the black sarcasm, the sick musing. Kurogane could tell by the way Fai stared at him in terror and helpless frustration, remembering how Fai had reacted to Kurogane's silence in the face of that question. The inhuman rage and bitter amusement and cold disgust that said more clearly than a thousand words that Fai had not _wanted _an answer, silent or otherwise.

Fai's voice when he finally spoke was implacable as a cliff face. "That," he murmured coolly, "will not be a problem."

Kurogane nodded. If it kept Fai alive, then he could put up with the way those harshly mocking words and all the others spoken that night cut open each of the old scars on his heart and added new ones. And he had long since accepted that Fai was very likely to never forgive him for turning him into a vampire to preserve his life, anyway. Especially not after what had happened that night.

"No!" Mokona had remained silent up until now, but this transaction and all it meant obviously upset it just as much as Fai. "If Kurogane does this, Kurogane will be alone and sad always and always because Fai will never be able to say he's sorry! Mokona doesn't want Kurogane to be unhappy!"

"I can live with that," Kurogane replied grimly. "We can't make it without the mage, however."

"Yuuko..." Mokona whimpered, looking pleadingly at the woman in the glowing circle.

The Witch shook her head. "The will of the ones who make the wish take precedence, Mokona. However, should Kurogane ever decide to allow those memories to resurface, the price shall be rescinded."

Mokona still didn't look happy, but nodded. Kurogane and Fai both just looked stubborn, feeling that if either of them had a say in it Fai would never remember that night. Not when the truth of it could break him like it very nearly had already.

Fai gave Kurogane a one more hard look. "You are absolutely set on this."

"Just shut up and deal with it, mage."

"You really are a stubborn dog." He turned back to the apparition. "Do it."

oooo

**That Which We Forget**

oooo

Fai hesitated outside the door to the room he and Kurogane shared, feeling oddly nervous. He shouldn't, he knew; they had been sharing sleeping quarters since the beginning and there was nothing new about entering such rooms when the ninja was present.

Well, _one_ thing. This was the last such room they might share, the last night before Watanuki would send them all on their respective ways, their long journey finally over. Syaoran would return to Clow with his hard-won knowledge, and Kurogane would return to Nihon. And Fai...did not have a place to go back to. He knew which one he _wanted_ to go to, but that would take some fast talking. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem; one of Fai's best skills was talking his way into and out of situations. But the person he needed to convince was the ninja currently resting in Watanuki's spare bedroom, and the world he wanted was Nihon and the man he wanted was Kurogane.

Unfortunately, Kurogane had proven extremely difficult on this subject, dodging Fai's advances with a level of skill that the wizard would have admired if it hadn't been so damned _frustrating_.

Fai couldn't understand it. He knew Kurogane wanted him; had seen it in the looks the ninja sent his way when he thought Fai wasn't looking, full of heat and hunger and something so very tender just beyond that. He'd also seen gazes full of a strange sadness and wistful desire, as if Fai were something sacred and forever out of reach. And sometimes, just sometimes, in the dark of night when the ninja thought Fai was asleep, there were looks of weary unease and anxiety. It was confusing and worrying, and Fai did not like the pattern that had settled between them like a giant stone wall.

It had started with small things. So small that at first, Fai hadn't even realized that something had changed until after they had been to several worlds with Syaoran. Kurogane had never been one for overt physical contact, usually limiting such things to swatting those who irritated him (he and Mokona had gotten the lion's share of that type of attention) or a quick ruffle of Syaoran's hair, or if one of them was feeling particularly fragile, a surprisingly gentle hand on their shoulders. But somewhere along the way, those touches had almost completely stopped. Or more to the point, they had stopped for Fai. Kurogane had not willingly touched Fai in even the most casual manner since the last battle with Fei Wong Reed. After that, the only physical contact Fai could remember between the two of them had been made by Fai himself when he could sneak in a touch or two, and _all_ of those had been either pointed poking at injuries that the ninja had tried to hide from him or full-out punches to that thick head for hiding them in the first place. Any attempt at a touch softer than that, or even offers to take care of what injuries may happen, Kurogane avoided as if Fai had the plague. It made no sense and left Fai feeling confused and hurt on more than one occasion when Kurogane had gone to Syaoran for treatment and refused to even let Fai help.

But he still _looked_. He still _looked_ and Fai _looked back_ and then Kurogane would _look away_.

"_**Are you in love with me, Kurogane?"**_

Fai had thought those words countless times over the many worlds they had traveled to, and tonight the thought was so intense and clear that he could practically hear his voice ask that question, the tone as bitter and biting as any of the barbs from Infinity. He never had given voice to that question, and that was probably a good thing despite all the temptation to do so. Using something that deeply personal as a weapon would have been beyond cruel. It was bad enough that Fai had used Kurogane's name in such a manner. The ninja still flinched a little on the rare occasions that Fai addressed him as such, and it privately shamed Fai that he had scarred such a good man into hating something so fundamental as his own name.

In an odd way, they had switched roles during their world walking with Syaoran. Before, Fai had always been the one running away, hiding himself behind carefully constructed jester's masks and keeping everyone at a distance while Kurogane chased after him, angry and suspicious but determined to find out the truth. Now it was Kurogane who seemed distant and elusive, and Fai who chased after in an attempt to find the source of the separation. Fai had gotten close a few times, but each time he did, Kurogane would slip through his fingers with that strangely sad and scared look in his eyes again. It was unsettling, and Fai couldn't help but worry about what this all might mean. Secretive and withdrawn just weren't words one normally used when describing Kurogane.

What had changed?

"Mage, quit hovering outside the door. You'll give those weird pigtail girls ideas."

Fai gave a start at the sound of Kurogane's deep voice derailing his train of thought, then chuckled sheepishly as he pushed the sliding door open. He really should know better than to think that he'd escape notice.

"Sorry, Kuro-sama. I was lost in thought." he said, earning himself the expected snort of derision, and looking over to the far side of the room. He always did that, he'd found, looking for the ninja no matter their location.

Kurogane must have just recently made use of Watanuki's bath, because he was dressed only in a simple yukata, his hair and skin still slightly damp. He was sitting on his futon by the room's one window, the tan fingers of his right hand carefully holding a small bottle of sake by the flared rim. His other hand absently stroked the soft fur of a sleeping Mokona, the little creature snoring contentedly and cuddling another empty bottle. His crimson eyes gazed out into the night, his face set in a pensive frown as a result of his own thoughts.

Fai found himself torn between mild jealousy of Mokona, the urge to part that thin cotton robe and run his tongue over the tantalizing glimpse of a broad tanned chest, and concern over the fact that he hadn't seen the ninja smile in ages.

Concern won as the wizard realized that the last time had been on their most recent visit to Clow, at least ten worlds ago. And that was only because it was physically and mentally impossible for anyone not to smile at Sakura. Not only that, Kurogane looked _tired_.

"So gloomy, Kuro-tan," Fai murmured in an attempt to lighten the mood, keeping his voice low as he walked over to his own futon (on the complete opposite side of the room, alas) and started to change into his own set of sleeping clothes, a shirt and pants of thin white silk that he had picked up in the fifth world that the three of them had visited after leaving Clow that first time. The arms and legs of the set were actually too long for him, but then, the people of that world had averaged out at nine feet tall. Getting to the top shelves in that world had been a trick. Though he _had_ gotten a great deal of enjoyment out of persuading Kurogane to lift him up to reach the sugar... For a moment, he couldn't help but smile at the memory of Kurogane's grumbling even as he'd carefully lifted Fai with the single arm he'd had at the time (Piffle had been the seventh world), so gentle and yet so strong. Then he forcefully stifled a giggle at how uncomfortable an expression the ninja had worn. He didn't want to wake Mokona, because the things he intended to say tonight were a private thing, and didn't need an extra audience. "You should be happy. Tomorrow morning you'll get to return to Nihon."

Kurogane gave a soft grunt, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, and Fai couldn't help but feel a slight stab of irritation and anxiety, dampening the warmth of old memories. Conversation was another thing that had slowly dwindled between them as Kurogane's strange reticence grew more pronounced, the ninja less and less willing to talk with him as time passed, to the point where he now spoke more with Mokona than himself. And as stupid as it was, Fai did not like the idea of coming in second to a dimension-hopping rabbit thing. Fai prayed he could get this odd game of chase between them to end, because he couldn't help but feel that he was going to lose Kurogane to his inexplicable silent melancholy otherwise. And after all they had been through, all they'd faced together and all that they'd saved each other from, that thought was more terrifying than anything.

Now he just had to figure out how to tell Kurogane that. And before that, he had to make sure there was time to figure that out. He opened his mouth, fully intending to just ask to go with Kurogane to his home tomorrow, but what came out was, "Kuro-pon, if you keep scowling like that, your face is going to freeze. Not that anyone who doesn't know you well would notice the difference, but I'm sure your princess would be heartbroken."

He cursed himself for being a coward. He could do better than that! Hadn't he bluffed his way across several worlds at the beginning of their journey? He could drag up a little false courage now, surely! Of course, Kurogane usually saw right through that sort of thing, but that wasn't the point just now!

He turned, intending to try again, but was rudely interrupted when the extra silk puddled around his feet tangled together, pulling him off balance and sending him towards the floor with a startled yelp.

He never hit the floor.

He blinked, sure he hadn't even heard Kurogane move, but somehow the ninja was _there_, arms wrapped around Fai's slim body as he kept him from falling, the heat of his remaining flesh hand bleeding heat through the thin silk to bloom over his skin. Fai blinked, his face only inches from Kurogane's own, and for the first time in years had to fight down the urge to blush. _Well, this is embarrassing. So much for dignity and poise._ "Thank you for the gallant rescue, Kuro-pon."

Kurogane rolled his eyes and let Fai go, and the mage instantly missed the feel of his warmth. "Idiot, be more careful."

Mokona, awakened by the sudden loss of its erstwhile bed, hopped onto Fai's shoulder. "Is Fai okay?" it asked, nuzzling at the blonde's cheek.

"I'm fine, Mokona. Gravity just decided to try and make friends, is all."

"Gravity loves _everyone_!" Mokona cheered, proving this by hopping down from Fai's shoulder back to the floor, and then disproving it again by bouncing right back up to Kurogane's.

Kurogane didn't look all that impressed, going back to his futon. "Go to bed, Mage. Between your encounters with gravity and the way you have conversations with yourself outside doorways, it's a wonder that you don't fall over more often."

Fai pouted, trying not to feel jealous that Mokona was getting to sleep on Kurogane's pillow, but unable to keep from being amused at the ninja's words. "That's mean, Kuro-sama. I find myself to be an excellent conversation partner! Besides, I was thinking about something important. I..." He paused, suddenly nervous again, his normally silver tongue turning to lead. He wanted to ask, needed to ask, if he intended to follow Kurogane to Nihon. But the words just wouldn't move from his brain to his mouth! "I..."

"Do what you want."

"What?"

Kurogane gave Fai a Look. Fai knew that Look. He only used it when he felt the wizard was being especially moronic. "Mage, you don't need my approval for anything. If there's something you want to do, then do it."

Was it really that simple? Fai blinked, then slowly grinned, hope rising in his chest as he realized that Kurogane was, in his own way, asking _him_ to come with him tomorrow. "So if I said I was going with Kuro-sama to Nihon?"

"I'd just have to make sure you didn't cause too much trouble. If you irritate me, people will just be amused. But if you anger someone like Kendappa, I'll have to fight the whole court to keep your head off the block." Kurogane grunted, giving Fai a pointed glare.

"Aww, you'd do that for me?" Fai gushed, just to see Kurogane's eyebrow twitch. He felt warm and giddy, almost wanting to sing with happiness and relief. "Never you fear, Kuro-sama. After all, I was a royal prince in two worlds and grew up in a royal court. I know how to act."

Kurogane didn't look terribly convinced, though there was just the slightest trace of amusement in his glare. "Not all royal courts are the same. There are over a hundred different ceremonies and rituals that are observed at Shirasagi every year, and they change by not only season, but also by the given year or the placement of the stars. Do you know how many times you should bow to the Empress at a formal dinner? Or what about on the Moon Festival? Do you know which of our gods are safe to mention around which nobles, and which should never be named at all? Or even how to place your chopsticks on your plate after you are done eating?"

"Um..." Fai realized that he really didn't remember too much about their brief stay in Nihon. With all that had happened there, from him agonizing over whether or not Kurogane would survive the sacrifice of an arm in saving his life to Sakura's body dissolving into nothing, he really hadn't paid much attention to the world around him.

"You can't just breeze through this if you decide to come with me, mage. Daily palace life aside, you don't even know the language."

"That's not true! I learned lots during our time in Yama!"

"You learned the words 'sword', 'longbow', 'duck', 'horse', 'idiot', and 'beer'. All of those using a peasant dialect. Just enough to seriously offend some random minor noble with more ego than brains the moment you open your mouth."

Fai pouted. Even if it was true, Kurogane didn't have to be so blunt about it. "Well, that just makes you a rotten teacher."

"Kuro-pii's a bad teacher!" Mokona sang. The ninja shot it a glare.

"You shut up, pork bun. Do you know how much time I'd have to spend finding someone with enough patience to teach this moron?"

Fai huffed and bent down to grab his pillow, flinging it at Kurogane, pouting more when the ninja easily caught it. "So mean! You make it sound like someone like that doesn't exist!"

Kurogane opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again, his expression growing thoughtful. "No...no, they exist. And I think I know one of them..."

"Oh?"

The ninja shrugged and tossed Fai back his pillow, but didn't answer. He was closing up again, back into that self-imposed silence that had strangled most of their time together lately. Fai bit his lip, not wanting to see it, not when he'd almost had the old Kurogane back for a minute there. He didn't want to leave things like this.

"Mokona," he said, disturbing the little thing from nesting down in the ninja's blankets, "could you give us a few minutes alone?"

Mokona looked confused, but hopped up readily enough. "Fai wants alone time with Kuro-kuu?" it asked, sounding oddly unsure. And for a moment, Fai almost swore it looked sad. But within a blink Mokona had smiled again and bounced away. "Mokona will go see Syaoran! You two have fun kissy time!"

"Oi!" Kurogane sputtered, but too late. Mokona had hopped out the door and was gone. He turned his eyes back to Fai, irritated but also strangely wary and resigned. Fai knew he could sense a confrontation coming. "What's this about, mage?"

"I think you know what this is about, Kuro-sama."

And Kurogane actually _flinched_. But he said nothing, neither defending or denying his actions, instead looking away to glare out the window again.

Fai cursed Kurogane for still not replying. He wasn't even telling him to shut up, like he normally would. He wasn't even looking at him. It was as if Fai didn't exist, and that flash of irritation flared again, mixing uneasily with the fear that Kurogane would completely shut him out. He felt sick and angry, hurt that the ninja was avoiding him like this. His patience snapped.

"Kurogane," he growled, and oh, _that_ got a reaction all right, those red eyes that always burned his soul snapping over to him in sudden shock, "if you don't stop treating me like a leper, I'm going to freeze a lot more than your face."

Kurogane glared at him, wary and unnerved by this sudden darkening of Fai's mood. "Mage—"

"Don't." Fai's voice was still quiet, but irritation gave it a deadly edge. "You hated it every time I lied to you. I assure you that the feeling is mutual. Especially since there's no reason to lie or shut me out like you've been doing."

Kurogane set his jaw stubbornly and lowered his eyes to glare at clenched hands, and Fai was shocked to realize that there was true unease in his expression. Not the sort that might come from the discomfort of being forced to admit something personal or embarrassing, but instead something very close to real fear. Why?

Fai crawled over and settled on his knees in front of his friend, worry once again warring with annoyance. "Kuro-sama, look at me," he whispered, feeling weird to be the one coaxing when Kurogane had always been the brave one. And even though the ninja's eyes turned back to him readily enough, with his expression schooled back into something merely wary, the blonde knew the fear was still there, no matter how strictly controlled. "You've been acting so strange, and I don't know what's causing you to act this way, but you don't have to."

"Mage..."

"You _don't_." Fai leaned in, blue eyes fierce, all the years and worlds of frustration, confusion, and affection naked on his face. "I know how you feel about me, Kuro-sama. I'd be blind not to! And I know you know that I feel exactly the same. You could have me at any time, but instead you keep me at arm's length. At least tell me _why_."

"I don't see how any of it is your damn business," Kurogane growled, attempting to get up, only to be thwarted by Fai diving at him, hands fisting in the thin cotton of the yukata and yanking the taller man forward until there was barely any space between their faces, the ninja having no choice but to stare startled into burning azure.

"It's my business because I love you," Fai hissed, hot breath wafting over Kurogane's face, "And if I don't force the issue now, I can't help but feel like you'll disappear into your own world, whether it be Nihon or just that odd space you've built inside your head, and I'll spend the rest of my life wondering just what the hell went wrong. I refuse to do that, Kuro-sama. If I have to, I will chase you until the end of the universe. You're _mine_, and I won't let you escape me!"

Fai yanked hard, pulling Kurogane forward that last inch and sealing their lips together in a hungry kiss. He felt Kurogane flinch again under him and _why was he still afraid_ but that was quickly lost to the bliss of finally getting to taste the man he'd longed for.

It was hard and rough, fueled by all the frustration the mage had felt in his pursuit of the ninja, but even so it was the sweetest thing Fai could ever remember experiencing. Even that odd flinch did nothing more than encourage the blonde to pull Kurogane closer, loosening his hold on the ninja's robe to instead slide his arms over the top of those gloriously broad shoulders and hold tight. The feel of that strong body and heat of the dark skin bleeding through the thin silk of his own clothes was intoxicating.

When Kurogane's hands rose to press at his shoulders in an attempt to shove him off, there was little strength to the gesture, and Fai knew he'd won. The resistance was short-lived and victory was as sweet as the sensation of Kurogane's lips softening and responding to the kiss, his hands shifting to slide up Fai's neck and fist in his hair, tilting the mage's head _just so_. A hot tongue brushed against Fai's lips, and for all that it was hesitant and unpracticed, the touch still set Fai's body aflame. He gasped, lips parting to allow Kurogane inside, and then all was pure rapture as the kiss deepened.

This...yes, _this_. It was everything Fai wanted and needed, everything he'd yearned for since the first time Kurogane's crimson eyes had branded themselves on his soul. _Mine_, he exulted to himself as he moaned hungrily into the kiss. _He is mine. I finally have him and I will never let him go. He is my_

_**my prey my jailor my most unwanted of saviors but still my friend and I only wanted to hate him save him push him away I never meant to drain him I didn't ever want to harm him didn't want it can't want it but Gods help me I really did want it and I do want it and I'll wrest it all from him again because that taste of him was perfect so perfect and I crave all of it because Kurogane is mine and only mine and the urge need hunger to make that claim drink in that life devour that strength is so very strong and I will kill to keep what is mine kill everyone kill everything and drain him down to the last drop and do it again over and over until his mind is gone and I am all to his world because he is my prey my dog I will not allow any other to own him but oh Gods oh Gods that's wrong I'll destroy him everything that forced me to love him I can't I don't want it but I need it I'm going mad I can't control myself control the hunger control the need the monster inside I want to die need to die have to die**_

There was a flash of red light, and Fai had only a split second to wonder when Mokona had returned to the room and why he could distantly hear someone screaming...

Blackness.

oooo

For the second time that night, Kurogane caught Fai as the mage fell, cradling the limp form against him as he slid into unconsciousness, the horror washing out of his face like watercolor in the rain. The crystal glowing like a live ember on Mokona's forehead infused a false flush onto a face Kurogane had watched turn sheet white as the seal on his memories cracked.

His own heart pounded in an uncomfortable mix of thwarted desire and adrenaline-laced fear, and the ninja wondered how much longer either of them could bear this.

He lifted the thin body gently and put Fai to bed, pulling the covers over him and trying not to think too deeply on how his lips still tingled from the force of the mage's kiss, or the way the flavor of his mouth haunted him like a restless spirit. Harder to ignore was the memory of how the heat in those blue eyes had shattered into self-loathing and pain before going completely blank, and Kurogane cursed himself for being weak enough to give into temptation and Fai for being so persistent.

Hardest of all to ignore—_impossible to ignore—_was recollection of clawed hands pinning him down, forcing him into a kiss of an entirely different sort, a single golden eye spearing through him like an insect on display. It'd be even clearer if he closed his eyes, so he was careful not to blink.

"How many times does this make?" he muttered, something in him too drained even to be angry anymore, "Five?"

"Seven," Mokona said sadly. "Mokona doesn't like this, Kuro-puu. Fai's lonely and Kuro-puu's sad and Mokona doesn't like that you both are unhappy."

"It's this or his sanity, pork bun."

"But Mokona doesn't know how much more the seal can take."

Kurogane sighed, well aware that the seal was fragile and grew more so each time Fai caught him with clever hands and sincere words. Because Kurogane _wanted_ what Fai offered, and in any other circumstance would have made the mage his long before now, and damned if Fai's soft pleading and passionate commands didn't test his resistance every single time. And each time Kurogane's self-control failed, so did a part of the seal, resulting in flashbacks and night horrors until the seal could mend itself. Mokona had taken to putting Fai to sleep whenever it happened, but the length of that sleep was longer each time, and the events leading up to the seal's damaging always vanished from Fai's memory, leaving him to believe he still had yet to catch the ninja.

Leaving the ninja to remember alone...

_**broken skin broken bodies broken promises all dashed to the ground like so much trash and he hurt everything hurt but he could not break free bonds too tight head spinning and the mage's claws digging into his wrists and face where he held him even more tightly it was the mage but not the mage angry wild insane HUNGRY and he whispered terrible things in his ear as he lapped at his blood and then he bit and it was all spinning and all fading and everything draining away his sight his strength his life and he could not fight even as he tried to talk to the monster that was the mage who was acting just like the monster that had taken his home and father and he was going to share that fate if he didn't do something but his voice was dying his sight was dying he was dying and all was fading save the burning sting of twin pinpricks in his neck**_

This left them both trapped in a constant cycle. Kurogane found it bitterly ironic that he had accepted this price from Yuuko because he had believed at the time of the wish that Fai would never want to be near him again after Tokyo, only to deal now with Fai being absolutely determined to give them both what Kurogane had desperately wanted. And he didn't dare to take it, because to break the seal would be to break Fai...and possibly himself. He couldn't risk Fai remembering that terrible three-day span in Infinity, and especially not the night that had started it. It would only undo everything that Fai had built for himself and destroy all the confidence and stability that the mage had paid for in blood and tears.

Kurogane knew what it was like to lose one's sanity, both through one's own actions and through the actions that one could not take. And Kurogane was determined to protect Fai from that, to honor the mage's decision to forget, no matter the cost to himself.

Now if Fai would just fucking let him self be protected instead of constantly wearing down Kurogane's resistance and resolve!

"_**You caused this, you know. You pushed and pushed, and drove me into a corner. Then you had the poor taste to be all vulnerable like this. This is all YOUR fault, Kurogane."**_

As the Dimension Witch had promised, Fai's words still hissed in his hears as clearly now as they had that night, dripping with venom. And just like back then, all Kurogane could do was accept that blame and pay the price by enduring it. He remained frozen in that moment so that Fai could move on.

Or that was what he'd intended, except that Fai had decided to chase after him with a determination that put a whole wolf pack to shame. And Kurogane couldn't find it within himself to push him farther away than just slightly out of reach.

A reach that he realized he was breaking right this moment because while he had been thinking, his hand seemed to have gained a mind of its own, gently twining into the fine strands of Fai's golden hair. Disgusted with himself all over again, Kurogane pulled his hand back and took himself back to his own futon, laying down. He knew Mokona would stay with Fai for the night, to make sure the mage stayed asleep until the seal had mended itself as much as it could.

Dammit, how did one make a man accept the price of a wish if he didn't remember there was a price to pay?!

There'd be nightmares for them both tonight, as there had been every time Fai had tried to push or capture. When the Witch said the memories of that night would remain as clear and powerful as when they had occurred, she had meant it. They were always on the very edges of his mind, just waiting for the slightest thing to trigger them. And all it took each time was Fai.

A touch, a glance, a completely innocent comment. Any of those could become a jagged-edged reminder. If this had been like any other bad experience, Kurogane could have simply refused to think about it, either by shutting it up inside until time eroded the edges or by expelling it all in a burst of temper and activity. But this was different, and he couldn't step back or move on. And he was finding that a memory that constantly hovered like a dark curse could drain a heart just as surely and insidiously as any vampire

_that vampire_

drained the body.

Really, the best solution to all of this would have been to bar Fai from going to Nihon with him tomorrow. He knew this, knew that with whole worlds separating them, there would be no risk of Fai ever remembering. And since Fai was no longer a vampire and did not require Kurogane's blood for survival, the mage would easily be able to use his ready charm to make a home and life for himself anywhere and with anyone.

Too bad that Kurogane had a real weakness for Fai's smile, as well as a severe aversion to letting the mage out of his sight. Despite everything, he still considered Fai _his_, even if he could never move on that claim. He may be forced to keep Fai at a distance, but he still wanted Fai's new life to be one he could watch and guard. And for that, Kurogane had agreed to let Fai follow him to Nihon.

Now he just had to figure out how to keep his distance while returning to his duties.

Problem was, that would be damn near impossible, considering how persistent Fai was proving. And Tomoyo was more than likely to cheer him on and even aid him, completely unaware of what she just might be risking. She'd find the whole chase funny, most likely. On top of that, Fai would desperately need tutors with more patience than Kurogane because language aside, the court and customs of Nihon were probably _nothing_ like those of Celes or Valeria. The countless intricacies of the Imperial Court still made Kurogane want to bite something in frustration when he thought about it for too long, and he'd lived in that palace for over ten years. Fai's natural ability to cause trouble would only be exacerbated by the ninja's infamous lack of tolerance for all the ceremonial bullshit. So Fai needed a teacher who not only had patience, but also would be an expert on the many facets of palace life...

And then it hit him.

Tomoyo would almost certainly become fast friends with Fai, since both of them shared the same twisted personality and love of driving Kurogane insane. And as Tsukiyomi, she had access to all the things Fai needed, including that near endless patience. She would be perfect as a tutor, and what she couldn't teach, she could easily procure others for. The only problem was that her status as the younger sister of the Empress and also the ruling Miko of the country would have all of that annoying gaggle of nobles in the court squawking like hens if she were to lower herself to tutoring...

...A powerful foreign mage who happened to be an Imperial Prince in his own right. Hm.

Kurogane realized that if he moved fast and did this right, not only would Fai get the teachers he needed, a home, and a place in society, but it would also keep the mage distracted from pursuing him.

"This...just might work," he murmured to himself.

"What?" Mokona squeaked drowsily from Fai's pillow, "Does Kuro-pin have a cunning plan?"

"Maybe. Go to sleep, pork bun."

"But Mokona wants to hear the cunning plan!"

Kurogane rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but feel slightly amused and the tiniest bit thankful that Mokona had stuck with him after the deal made with Yuuko. At least he'd had one person who could understand the situation. He'd miss the pest when he went home. "Sleep," he ordered the little thing, but without heat.

"Puu!"

oooo

Fai was beginning to suspect that he'd been had. The fact that he was only realizing this after nearly a year and a half merely showed how artful the con had been, and the mage found himself distracted from his current lesson by the extreme indecision of whether he admired Kurogane's cleverness or just wanted to bite his face off.

"Ah, Fai-san?"

"Yes, Tomoyo-chan?" he asked, but wasn't really paying attention. Admiration was putting up a good fight, but the biting had backing from a seriously frustrated libido.

"Are you sure you're using the correct kanji to write that benediction for the temple?"

Fai made a sound that he felt was vaguely affirmative, completely missing the suppressed laughter in the Tsukiyomi's voice. He just couldn't believe he'd fallen for it. He was usually the one to lead people around by the nose. But no, he'd just been so happy that Kurogane had wanted him in Nihon that he never questioned why he'd suddenly be so agreeable after spending years evading all of Fai's advances.

"Fai-san. You were supposed to write 'Great Divinities in Heaven, please bless this most holy of offerings'."

"I know. I did." the mage replied, and face-biting definitely was gaining the lead as he thought about how all the lessons and tutors had been so easily procured, and all of Fai's personal time seriously curtailed, all from one seemingly innocent and thoughtful request by the ninja to give Fai a stable and comfortable foundation while he adjusted to a whole new world.

"Not exactly, my dearest brother. What you actually have written, should you care to look, is 'Come sing, beloved hat of Divine Cheese'."

"I did?" Fai looked down at the scroll under his hands and slowly read what he'd drawn out so painstakingly with his calligraphy brush while mentally cursing an errant ninja, and bit his lip. "I did. I'm sorry, Tomoyo-chan."

Tomoyo was a kind woman in that she was not laughing at him, but her eyes glittered with what she did not give voice to. "It's quite all right. You really are doing remarkably well for how short a time you've been here. You've mastered the spoken language already, after all. I think you could be forgiven for having a little trouble with the written."

"Let's just say that when one is adopted by a woman like Kendappa, you find yourself with a great deal of motivation to avoid her wrath." Fai sighed. "To be honest, hearing you refer to me as your brother still gives me a shock."

"Would you rather I called you my nephew?" Tomoyo was definitely amused now.

"Ah, no. As frightening as the Empress is as a sister, the idea of her being my mother is absolutely terrifying."

Fai should have known something was up when the first thing Kurogane requested upon their arrival was that the Divine Empress Amaterasu adopt Fai into the royal family. It was perfectly logical, even necessary; Fai needed lessons on how to live in this world, needed a safe and comfortable place to live while he learned all he needed to know, and people who he could trust. Being adopted as an Imperial Prince solved all of that. Of course, half of Kendappa's and Tomoyo's court was horrified with the adoption, and while the other half was fascinated by it, it wouldn't take much for the whole pack of them to pick him up and heave him out a handy window. Palace politics were cutthroat at best—_politely_ cutthroat here in Nihon, excruciatingly so, but still very robust. As Tomoyo's and Kendappa's official little brother from gods-knew-where (and wasn't _that _just a study in irony considering that Fai was actually older than both of them, Kurogane, and a good half of the court put together), the power he held as part of the Imperial Family was as complex as it was currently ephemeral. It was certainly maddening. It might have been easier if Mokona had been here to distract the sillier of the lords and ladies, but the fuzzy bunny thing wasn't available. Not because Mokona had stayed behind in Watanuki's Japan, but because Mokona had gone with Kurogane. The little monster seemed to be convinced that it could become a ninja through simple osmosis.

Fai gritted his teeth and puzzled over that odd little episode, back in that strange variant of Japan. Something about it pinged off of some of Fai's hard-won suspicions, and not just because Fai was coming in a poor second to a dimension-hopping rabbity thing. Watanuki, like his predecessor, never did anything without a reason...and never did anything for free. Fai sighed and stared out the window at the flowering plum tree, trying to remember precisely what the Dimension Wizard had said, and every nuance of it as well. There hadn't been much:

"_Are you sure about this?"_

_Kurogane nodded wordlessly to Watanuki's question, and Fai just smiled cheerfully._

"_Very well," the Dimension Wizard replied, and urged the white Mokona off his shoulder, offering it to Kurogane, his expression sober. "Then Mokona will go with you."_

"_Yay! Mokona's going with Kuro-pii and Fai-chan!" Mokona sang, hopping off the young man's hand to land on the top of Kurogane's head. "Mokona will be a ninja too!"_

_Kurogane looked surprised for a moment, then suspicious, grabbing the fuzzball with the ease of long practice and dropping it in Fai's hands. "Why? And what's the price?"_

"_Mokona will accompany you for several reasons, not the least of which being because Yuuko told me you may need it." Watanuki replied. "And Mokona will know the price when it sees it, so don't worry about that. Just note that this dimensional jump will be Mokona's last. After this, that power will no longer be usable, and the most you'll get out of it after that would be a leap of perhaps three feet. It will, however, retain its ability to translate languages, which should make the transition easier upon Fai."_

_Kurogane glanced over at Fai, then sighed and gave up. "Fine. At least the little pest can be useful."_

"_Mokona is _always_ useful!"_

And Mokona certainly had been. From the moment they'd arrived and Fai had been essentially steamrolled into the royal family, it had been splitting its time between Kurogane and Fai. When Mokona was with Fai, it translated the language and allowed the mage to talk with his teachers about history, politics, and daily life. When it stayed with Kurogane, Fai worked on learning the language.

It was a very good thing that Fai was a fast learner, because by the end of this long eighteen months, Mokona spent far more time with Kurogane than Fai, and Kurogane seemed to spend a suspicious amount of time out of range. Part of it might be the genuine wish to help Fai learn, but the mage was sure at this point that this was yet another step in his maddening game of keep-away.

So why had Watanuki given Kurogane Mokona? For all that the translation magic had been useful, Fai could have gotten along without it, especially since he and Tomoyo had hit it off very quickly and she was an excellent teacher of both the language and the written word...though he had yet to master the latter. Why would the Dimension Wizard—and the Dimension Witch before him—think Kurogane would need Mokona? Because he was sure now that Watanuki had been talking _only_ to Kurogane when he'd said that.

What did he mean that Mokona would know the price when it saw it?

Had Watanuki known the reason behind Kurogane's distant behavior? And what did Mokona have to do with that?

A light but insistent tap on the blonde's head broke his reverie, and he realized he'd been staring into space for the last few minutes, completely forgetting that Tomoyo was there and that he was supposed to be learning how to write complete sentences without getting himself in trouble with the local priesthood.

"You're very distracted today, aren't you?" the princess asked, smiling gently, unfurling the elegant paper fan that she'd just used to regain his attention. "Perhaps we should take a break, and you could help me with my sewing instead..."

"No, no!" Fai protested, realizing he was in danger of being used as a mannequin and poked with pins for an hour if he didn't try to focus. "I just let my mind wander for a bit. I'll keep practicing. I'll just...try my hand at writing poetry instead?" Tomoyo nodded assent, and Fai felt a little embarrassed at how his voice rose into something like a plea at the end, but while he and Tomoyo enjoyed each other's company, she was a dragon of a teacher. She had often run him ragged to master the language, and he found himself quite cheerfully terrified of her when she smiled that little serene smile of hers.

At least most of the time, that smile was directed at driving Kurogane insane instead of him. Fai would have loved to join in on that, save he'd been trapped in an endless cycle of lessons and court functions for the last eighteen months. Fai realized as he picked up his brush and began writing that he could count the number of times he'd even _spoken_ to Kurogane on one hand, and none of those conversations had been in a situation where Fai was free to be anything other than an Imperial Prince. Imperial Princes did not speak with ninja, even one who was the head bodyguard of the Tsukiyomi. Which wouldn't have stopped him, save that he already had half the court ready to toss him out the window just because he was foreign, and Kendappa herself had pointed out that he should resist acting out until they'd gotten a few years to get used to him. And that was logical, but it didn't stop Fai from wishing he could just _talk_ to Kurogane for a while, or even simply spend time in his company. He missed the closeness that they'd shared on their journeys with Sakura and Syaoran. What had happened to that?

Fai sighed and pushed all of that out of his head, trying to lose his frustrations in the familiar structure of writing a _tanka _poem. While most of the rigid formality and traditions of Nihon tended to bore him silly, the wizard had found that he had a knack for poetry, and laying the syllables and kanji just right soothed him. He started writing a gentle love poem, smiling as he felt Tomoyo walk up to read it over his shoulder as the characters took shape on the paper. It was a little like how he'd once learned to shape magic to the tune of a whistle...

"_Fai!"_

"What? What?!" the blonde yelped, startled by the sound of Tomoyo's exclamation, and the fact that there were whole worlds of both horror and laughter in that one shout of his name.

The princess pointed to the second line. Though her expression was carefully schooled, the way the corners of her lips twitched suggested she was trying very hard not to laugh. "This one. You wanted to write 'Grant this single loving wish', correct?"

Fai nodded, confused how that would be so funny. He wondered if he'd crossed a social taboo of some sort.

"Fai-san, you used the wrong kanji for 'loving'."

"The wrong..." Fai began, then quickly reached for the nearby dictionary, and flipped through it until he found what he needed. And then, for the first time he could remember in decades, he _blushed_. "Oh! Oh dear! Ah, I'll just...um..."

He snatched up the piece of paper and crumpled it up as fast as he could, then let out a sharp whistle. The offending poem burst into blue flames, burning down to nothing but a small pile of ash in his hands. He looked sheepishly up at the princess. "How about we keep this a secret between us, hm?" Fai could think of several people who would never let him live this down if they found out. Mokona or Souma, definitely. Even Kendappa would get that sly little smirk of hers that made him feel like a child. And Kurogane—

No. Kurogane wouldn't do anything, because he was never there.

Tomoyo was near vibrating with the effort to keep from laughing, but quickly sobered when she saw how Fai's mood had soured. She offered him a handkerchief to wipe off the ash with a soft look of sympathy. "You really miss him, don't you?"

The words caused Fai's heart to clench, his hands mirroring the action just a little as he wiped away the grey stains. His blush faded, and he bit his lip. "How could I not?" he whispered. "I barely see him anymore. He acts like coming too close to me would break some unspoken law. Even though I..."

"Kurogane is a very honorable man who takes the well-being and safety of those he cares about very seriously," the princess murmured, sitting down next to Fai and patting his hands, unheeding of the ash that still covered them. "He always does whatever he sets out to do to the fullest of his abilities. Perhaps he feels that by keeping his distance, he is protecting you. If nothing else, perhaps he's trying to keep all of his stalkers from the various temples from pestering you too."

"Are they still doing that?" Fai asked, and couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"Of course. They dearly want him to return to his ancestral home and take up the duties of his bloodline. Kurogane is the last heir of Suwa, and still holds right to the lands of that province, for all that they have been abandoned these last several years. Suwa was small, but notable for a great many things."

Fai tilted his head, curious in spite of himself. Things had been so busy and frantic that he had never had the chance to ask Kurogane about his past. This was the first time he'd even heard that Kurogane was an heir in his own right. "I just thought he'd done something to insult them before you sent him to the Dimension Witch, considering that charming personality of his. You're telling me Kuro-pon's a member of the court?"

Tomoyo shook her head. "Alas, no. And a great pity, since I would have adored making him proper clothes for such a thing. But Kurogane rarely if ever even acknowledges the nobility of his bloodline. For one, he would cause an incident within five minutes, since, as you say, he has such a..._direct_ way of dealing with those he doesn't like. But more importantly, it probably still pains him to face the loss."

"Loss? You said Suwa was abandoned. Did something happen?" Fai asked, then remembered something he'd heard Syaoran say, back when they'd been about to battle Fei Wang Reed for the last time.

"_And your mother...if it weren't for my wish, she may not have died the way she did. Your father, as well."_

Tomoyo seemed able to read the look on his face, because she nodded sadly. "Almost twenty years ago now, Suwa fell to the Oni that often plague the more rural areas of Nihon. As I'm sure you can guess, the sorcerer Fei Wang Reed had a hand in that destruction, though I will not tell you the details. That is only for Kurogane to share. Suffice to say that he lost his family, home, and almost his sanity. Yuuko asked me in a dream to salvage what I could. I could save his mind, but not his heart or his home. He has served me faithfully, if disobediently, ever since."

It was strangely similar to Fai's own past, though that didn't surprise him. Reed had told him from the very beginning that Kurogane had been Yuuko's pawn because she'd interfered with his actions. The idea that Kurogane might have ended up like Fai, trapped and desperate to revive a loved one, always on the knife edge of madness, made him shudder. If Kurogane had been an ally instead of an enemy at the beginning of their journey...if all that strength and ferocity had been bent towards doing Reed's bidding in concert with Fai's own manipulations and lies...

It didn't bear thinking about, and he was suddenly incredibly grateful to both Tomoyo and Yuuko for preventing that from coming to pass.

"So...if Kuro-sama doesn't want to return to Suwa, why are so many representatives from the Temple Collective hounding him to go back?" Fai wondered if he should be hexing priests instead of cursing Kurogane...

"Oh, they want to get ritually drunk."

"...excuse me?"

Tomoyo gave a little smile and absently played with the _netsuke_ tied to her obi. "Suwa was a land extremely rich in pure spiritual power. It still is, actually, to the point where it is impossible for a priest or miko to magically scry over that area. That was one of the reasons none of their neighboring provinces ever tried to invade. That purity of power means that the land and waters are also very pure, and that had an effect on crops. The most notable of those were the medicinal herbs that grew wild just inside their northern border, and their rice fields. That rice was used by Kurogane's family to create a special sort of sake that was uniquely potent in holy rituals, and it was their sole export. It has been two decades since Suwa Sake has been made, and most temples have long since run out."

Fai blinked, not sure what to think about this. "Tomoyo-chan, are you teasing me?"

"Not at all."

"Kuro-sama's being hounded by the multiple sects of Nihon for _liquor_?"

"Yes."

"All so they can get drunk?"

"_Ceremonially_ drunk. Many rituals of blessing or cleansing call for an offering to the Gods. Suwa Sake was considered to be the most well-received."

"I'm...mildly shocked that the Dimension Witch never asked for any."

"What do you think I gave in payment when Yuuko first told me of Suwa's fall?"

Now Fai definitely felt a little sorry for Kurogane. It must be rather like having an entire army of Yuukos after him, except that none of the priests and mikos had the respect for Kurogane's past traumas that the Dimension Witch might have had. Still, that didn't explain why the ninja had kept his distance. "Unfortunately, Kuro-sama started avoiding me long before we came here, so I doubt it's to protect me from overzealous priesthood. I'd actually be faster to believe that he has a possessive ex-lover."

He'd meant it as a joke, but was surprised when Tomoyo shook her head and answered in all seriousness. "That, you don't have to worry about. There has been no one."

"No one at all?" the wizard asked, intrigued.

"No. It was a custom in the Suwa family that the sons be sent to a...shall we say, _specialist_," the princess told him delicately, "upon reaching their majority. Suwa was destroyed when Kurogane was thirteen. After that, he focused only upon his training and had no interest in anything beyond his quest for strength."

"I...see..." Fai murmured. He wanted to find that funny. He wanted to be able to laugh at the idea of Kurogane having passed his thirtieth year and not have found a lover. Or at least to feel a sort of possessive pride (because deep down he had to admit he was a jealous bastard) over how he'd be the first to touch that dark skin. But he couldn't.

All he could do was remember one of the worlds that they'd passed through with Syaoran. It had been warm, thickly forested, and unpopulated by man. But it did have unicorns. Lots and lots of unicorns.

The creatures had avoided him and Syaoran, of course, and he'd hardly been surprised about that, though Mokona had teased Syaoran about Sakura nonstop, and Fai had nearly broken a rib from laughing so hard. And the unicorns had been utterly baffled by Mokona, just like the rest of the universe at large.

But they'd also avoided Kurogane. Not once on that world had one of the unicorns ever gotten closer to him than ten feet, just like they'd done with Fai an Syaoran. And Fai had thought nothing of it at the time.

But if Tomoyo was right, the ninja should have been swamped in mystical white horses.. The fact that he wasn't meant that Kurogane would have lost the qualifications for that magical affection during the time he was traveling across worlds with him and the kids.

What bothered Fai most was that he'd been _right there_ the whole time. Even before Fai had realized how he felt about the ninja, they'd been almost constantly in each others' company. They'd only rarely gone their separate ways, finding it far safer and more expedient to stick together. So _when_ would Kurogane have...? And with _who_? And why did it feel like he was forgetting something?

That question bothered him far more than he was prepared for.

oooo

Royalty suited Fai.

That was a thought Kurogane had entertained many times since arriving in Nihon. His tall and golden looks were offset and enhanced by being surrounded in the petite and raven black features of the rest of the court, making him glow as if he truly was descended from the Goddess of the Sun just like the two royal sisters. Clothed in fine silks and brocades, his hair tied back with ribbons carefully chosen to offset his sky blue eyes, he stood tall and proud. He was confident and comfortable as he could be while still adjusting to the language and customs, and exuded an air of dignity and poise while still retaining the good humor and razor-sharp wit that the ninja had come to know on their journeys.

He'd also been kept too busy to do more than glance Kurogane's way or give him a quick formal greeting, which was all to the good, in his opinion.

Still, he couldn't help but watch for the blonde, if only to get a glimpse...

"Kurogane, you're starting to mix 'ninja' with 'stalker'."

"Screw off, Souma," Kurogane grunted, not moving from where he leaned against the trunk of the largest willow tree in the Imperial gardens. It was comfortable and cool here. If it just so happened that Fai was walking down one of the exposed hallways about twenty meters away, that had nothing to do with it.

"Stalker! Kuro-perv's a stalker!"

"You too, pork bun."

"You should go talk to him if you're this concerned about how he's doing," Souma insisted, blithely ignoring Kurogane's words as only the oldest of friends and colleagues could do. "Tomoyo-hime says he misses you, so he'd be happy to have at least a little of your time. You work too hard."

"I wouldn't have to work so hard if the rest of the ninja and guards in this castle weren't all utterly useless." the tall man shot back, avoiding the rest of the issue. He didn't want to go talk to Fai, even if he really and truly _did_.

He still remembered, and the fear and mistrust borne of pain still lingered, and it was always a constant battle in his chest with love and the soul-deep trust borne of dangers faced together. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.

Kurogane mostly ignored it. He had work to do, and he buried the discomfort in that work. Still, it didn't stop him from watching Fai and feeling proud that he was acclimating so well. He just wished that every ceremonial occasion where he stood behind the three royal siblings didn't leave him feeling shaken from how Fai's eyes on him dragged back images of a single golden eye.

He knew Fai still wanted to stay close, but Kurogane knew he couldn't afford that. The already deteriorating seal aside, he couldn't handle what Fai did to him on a daily basis while still trying to protect Tomoyo. He knew rationally that Fai was a cheerful and affable moron that was just as protective of those he cared for as Kurogane himself, and that he would never harm anyone without severe provocation. But emotions, especially those torn apart constantly by past trauma and words he heard almost every day inside his head, were not rational things.

Kurogane prided himself on being honest. That meant to himself as well, and he had to admit that he...feared...what Fai had become that night. Not just for himself, but for others. If Fai remembered that night in Infinity, would he follow that downward spiral again? He may not be a vampire anymore, but he did have his magic, and all the combat training that had made him a dangerous bastard right from the beginning. A wounded part of him could not entirely trust that Fai wouldn't hurt anyone else if he broke down. Not just Kurogane, but people like Souma or Tomoyo or even Empress Kendappa. And he did not want to show that frightened and weakened part of himself to others. Bad enough that Mokona and Syaoran knew. So Fai needed to be kept away.

And yet...Fai was definitely better now, much stronger and more stable. Maybe it was time to consider standing his ground and letting Fai remember. Fai's wish had been to forget, but Kurogane's had simply been for Fai to be able to function without destroying himself. Even if the memories hurt him and upset him, wasn't it possible that now, it was safe to think he might not break under the strain?

"Kuro-pon? Kuuuuuro-poooon! Fai-Fai went back inside already!"

"No, leave him be, Mokona. I promised Kendappa that I'd actually time him next time he zoned out. I've got two _choku_ of sake riding on him just falling asleep where he stands."

"Didn't I tell both of you to screw off?!"

"Augh! Dammit, Kurogane! You just cost me a night of drunken debauchery with the Empress!"

Kurogane felt another stress headache coming on. "I did not need to hear that, Souma. Though I'll definitely sleep well tonight, warmed with pride over my interference in your and Kendappa's escapades."

"Kuro-puu's using big words!" Mokona gasped.

"You're right, rabbit. Maybe we should have a doctor look at him."

Yeah, there was the headache, all right. With friends like this, who needed enemies? "I hate you both."

"Serves you right for crushing all my plans." Souma shot back, then lightly punched Kurogane's shoulder. "Look, I don't know what the deal is with you and the wizard. But it's stringing you out and everyone is starting to worry. Whatever's bothering you so much, at least consider trying to fix it. If you make Tomoyo worry to the point of getting wrinkles, Kendappa's going to get revenge by telling each and every priest that comes to her with a petition for the revival of Suwa that you'll be _happy_ to sit down with them for an hour or so. All at once."

Just the thought of that horrible fate made Kurogane cringe. "Her exact words?"

"Verbatim, Kurogane. Look, just...take the rest of the day off. Sleep on it, okay? You really do look tired."

Kurogane turned, about to argue, but the twin sets of puppydog eyes from both his fellow ninja and Mokona at once did him in. "...fine."

oooo

A week passed. Then two. Then a third, and the question still would not resolve itself. He went through the motions, working on his lessons and his duties mechanically, but all he could think about was Kurogane and when he possibly could have found a lover, even for a single night.

It was utterly irrational and more than a little stupid. He knew that, but by now it was practically an obsession. Kurogane was _his_, and he couldn't rid himself of the feeling of jealousy that ignited every time he thought of some stranger's hands on him before Fai himself had gotten the chance to so much as steal a kiss.

He thought it might be a remnant of his time as a vampire. Before the clone of Syaoran had returned his magic and thus allowed his body to be restored to humanity, he'd had a certain instinctive possessiveness for the ninja as his prey. Though he no longer needed Kurogane's blood to survive, that sense of claiming and ownership still lingered. That, plus the fact that Fai really did love the man to distraction (and apparently idiocy) and had been trying for years to get close was probably the reason why he couldn't let this matter go.

It wouldn't have been anyone in the tiny family. The ninja would never have sullied Sakura's honor that way, or betrayed Syaoran's pure love for his princess. Kurogane would have been horrified if anyone even suggested it. And a horrified Kurogane usually resulted in him introducing people to the sharp end of his blade. Mokona was right out just on principle, and Fai could tell he was losing it because he'd seriously considered it for a moment just on the basis that the little creature spent so much time with Kurogane now.

So it had to have been a stranger. Or perhaps a stranger who shared the same face and soul as someone he knew from Nihon, but that seemed unlikely. As determined as Kurogane had been to get home at the beginning, he wouldn't have been so homesick as to sleep with someone just because they resembled a person he knew. A random person off the street still didn't sound right, but there was no other option that Fai could think of. But when?

Piffle? Not likely. They'd all been so wrapped up in making sure that their dragonflies didn't explode or crash that there wouldn't have been any sort of opportunity.

Oto? Even less likely. Though Kurogane had gone out while Fai stayed at the Cat's Eye, it was always with Syaoran. Besides, that world had turned out to be virtual, so anything that happened there probably wouldn't have counted.

Yama? Not a chance in hell. The soldiers in Yasha's army had all been after Fai, not Kurogane. And they'd ended up in each others' company twenty-four/seven because Fai had gotten tired of getting accosted. Especially after the incident in the mess hall. Fai remembered that he'd come out of that unscathed, but he'd put six would-be rapists in the infirmary and broken most of the tables.

That weird bunny world? No. Just...no.

_**Infinity.**_

Infinity...that one was possible, Fai supposed. After all, he'd pretty much abandoned Kurogane, shoving him as hard and far as he possibly could to make the man back off and then taking every opportunity he could to be cruel as possible. The only time Fai had kept Kurogane's company in that world was during the so-called chess matches and when Kurogane forced him to feed. Mostly he'd holed up alone or focused on serving Sakura. But that world had been dangerous, and Kurogane too protective of what was left of their shattered family at that point to just leave the real Syaoran alone in the apartment to go seeking a night's companionship.

Fai shuddered at the darkness of those memories. It had been a terrible time, and a terrible world. He'd been trapped on all sides and consumed by so many conflicting needs and desires. He'd wanted to die, but had been forced to live. He wanted to protect what was left of the group that he had accepted as family in spite of himself, but desperately needed to hate and hurt one of them. His vampiric nature, so raw and only barely under his control at the time, drew him to put claims on Kurogane that he couldn't afford and didn't want to face the consequences of.

He turned his mind away from that time. Infinity had been a mess of bad circumstances and worse choices, and it surprised him sometimes that he hadn't snapped under the strain. Better not to dwell on it.

Besides, it wasn't answering the question of when Kurogane could have possibly found a lover. Or why it bothered Fai so much.

Stress, he finally decided. Stress and all the worry over Kurogane's cold shoulders and hot glances.

Still, he couldn't help but feel like he was overlooking something. That there was some detail that he had forgotten. But he couldn't think of what that might be.

Fai _growled_ in frustration. It was very close to midnight, but he knew he'd be unable to sleep, just like the last two nights, but he felt exhausted and restless. What rest he did get was troubled and unsatisfying, leaving him feeling oddly anxious at the end of each drowse. The stresses of his current life and duties only added to the pressure, and he'd worn himself down to nothing trying to unravel this little mystery. He'd tried to distract himself with a scroll that Tomoyo had lent him from her personal library for practice in reading, but it wasn't helping at all.

Of course, part of that probably had to do with the fact that it was a rather salacious but also tragic love story. Salacious and tragic were not things Fai really wanted to think about, finding far too many parallels with his own issues to be anything other than just another irritant. He realized that story had no few parallels to what possibly might have gone on between Kurogane and his mystery lover as well, and something inside him _snapped_.

With a flare of temper, Fai shoved hard at the little table he'd been sitting at, causing it to flip over and the scroll to go flying across the room. Fai did not care. He was frustrated and upset and lonely and _angry_, practically vibrating with tension. He stewed there in the middle of his quarters, very tempted right at that moment to just burn the whole thing down, the entire testament to the luxurious cage Kurogane had locked him in just to keep him away. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he liked the people here, even the stupid muscle bound fool who was rapidly driving him insane _without even being here_, and Kendappa would probably have to send someone to subdue him if he started destroying parts of the palace.

But if he didn't do something, he was going to _explode_.

Well, if he couldn't explode over his bedroom, then he would go explode over a person! Fai shoved himself to his feet and stormed out of his suite. He snarled at the half-awake girl who served as his personal maid—he'd feel guilty about that later; he'd never once raised his voice to her before this—and shoved open the sliding door that separated his antechamber from the hallway.

He rushed through the palace, quickly leaving the royal wing behind and heading straight for the rooms used by higher servants and officers, where he knew Kurogane was quartered, approaching like an invading army and not stopping until he got to the warrior's room and opening the door with such force that the paper screening tore under his fingers.

Kurogane was awake when he got there. Unsurprising, considering that the ninja had never slept deeply and was trained to be sensitive to those approaching with anything like ill intent. That, and Fai had made no effort at stealth, uncaring of how loud his steps were on the nightingale flooring. He'd probably woken up the whole corridor, actually, but nothing and no one else mattered except the man who glared at him angrily with eyes the color of blood.

The fact that Mokona was nested down in a pile of old clothes nearby just made Fai angrier.

"YOU," he hissed, pointing an imperious finger at the ninja, cutting off whatever Kurogane might have yelled at him, "You and I are going to have a long overdue talk. Right. Now."

Kurogane's eyes narrowed dangerously, but he was again interrupted when a hesitant voice spoke from behind Fai in the hallway.

"Your Imperial Highness? Is there something wrong?"

Fai turned to level a gaze that was no less than arctic on the old man who was peeking out of the room across from Kurogane's, a servant who Fai didn't recognize and didn't care to. But he did recognize the problem that the stranger represented; like in any palace, there was very little that passed for true privacy, and Fai had no intention of letting his contention with Kurogane's actions both past and present become fodder for gossip. Nor did he intend to share what happened after, once he'd made proper claim to him. Fortunately, this was easily fixed. He _was_ a prince, after all. Now was the time to finally act like one.

"Yes," he snapped. "Your presence upsets me. You are to wake every person in this wing and tell them to leave. I will speak to Kurogane _alone_."

"The _hell, _Mage?!" Kurogane barked.

"_Silence!_" Fai shouted back, freezing the ninja in his tracks. That one word had been an order. One with so much anger and royal presence behind it that even Kurogane didn't quite dare disobey.

"But your Highness...!" the man tried to protest, but it died under Fai's withering gaze, pale eyes burning like will o' wisps with the force of his presence. Most of the castle servants had come to consider Fai to be a rather odd but mostly harmless man who would cause no trouble and rarely made requests. But right now, that one servant saw what only Kurogane had until then known existed, the implacable and ruthless predator. No sane human being would ever defy that. "Ah...I'll see to it at once, Fai-sama!" And then he was off, shouting through doors and quickly clearing out the rooms.

Assured now that they would soon be left alone, Fai turned back to Kurogane, stepping into the room and once more regarding the man who stood before him, dressed only in a pair of light pants. For just a second, he let himself feel a slight surge of possessive pleasure at the sight of those broad shoulders and muscular chest, and even the tiny spark of unease in Kurogane's eyes. _Mine. Mine. _

"_**You are chattel. I own you."**_

"Fai?" It was Mokona's voice, uncharacteristically timid, that caught the wizard's attention next, and he realized the wretched pest was awake and perched on Kurogane's bare shoulder, looking at him with concern. "Is Fai okay? Why is Fai so mad?"

"Mokona," the blonde snarled, and pointed to the door. "Out." He would not allow _anyone_ to touch what belonged to him. Not even Mokona.

"Fai-mommy's talking like Kuro-daddy. It's scary," Mokona complained, but the hard look to the wizard's eyes worked just as well on it as it had on Kurogane and the servant, and it reluctantly bounced down and out into the hallway.

Fai slid the door shut firmly behind it. Then he turned and speared Kurogane's eyes with his own, anger matching anger, the silence between them so charged and tense that it almost made the very air crackle and burn. The staring match lasted until the noise of many feet on the chiming wood floor faded to nothing, and they were truly alone.

Neither was sure what broke the stalemate. One moment they were still staring at each other, and the next, Fai had crossed the short distance between them and struck Kurogane across the face with one clenched fist, his expression murderous. "Who was he?!" he demanded, "I know what you did, so who was he?!"

The punch startled Kurogane, who staggered back and stared at Fai in confused astonishment. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb! Tomoyo told me about that little custom your family does for heirs that come of age!"

The utterly flabbergasted look on Kurogane's face would have been priceless in any other circumstance, and the acutely embarrassed one that followed twice as much. "There are things Tomoyo shouldn't be talking about. Besides, I didn't—"

"The unicorns said otherwise, Kurogane."

"Are you even _ listening _to yourself?!" the larger man demanded, but Fai knew him well enough, had been watching him for so long, and thus saw the way his eyes trailed just slightly to the side, the most subtle of evasions. Kurogane was trying to hide something, and it only enraged Fai more.

He shoved the ninja hard, slamming him up against the wall and then pinning him there, digging his nails hard into the tanned skin of his shoulders. "Are _you_?" he shot back, "You had no lovers here, but the unicorns avoided you just as they did me. So who the hell did you sleep with during our time with Sakura and Syaoran?!"

"That's—"

"If you tell me it's none of my business, I swear I will hurt you," Fai hissed, his voice pure venom.

A shudder ran through Kurogane's body, and that small sign of real fear in the otherwise fearless warrior—of _Fai—_sent a jolt of hurt and, perversely, pleasure through the mage. He pressed harder, trapping Kurogane between the cool wall and his own heated body until they were in nearly the entire line of their bodies. "I've _seen _the way you look at me. The way you sometimes run your eyes over my body like you want nothing more than to do the same with your hands. How _dare_ you sleep with another and still look at me like that?!"

"Idiot Mage, I haven't—" Kurogane sputtered, struggling to free himself, but Fai had both leverage and the strength born of nearly nineteen months of frustration and loneliness. "Dammit, listen to me! If we're going to use those stupid horned horses as an example, they avoided Syaoran too, and he never did anything with his princess! Unicorns don't look for virginity, you fucking idiot, they look for _innocence_!"

"Liar," the wizard breathed against Kurogane's ear before biting sharply at it, reveling in the way the ninja jerked against him. He was not in the mood for listening to Kurogane's excuses, so even when the words caused something in his mind to twitch, a vague memory of Syaoran saying the same thing when Mokona teased him, he ignored it. "And worse than a liar. You're unfair. If you're so lonely that you'd turn to a stranger to warm your bed, you could always have come to me. You could _still_ come to me. But you don't. A fucking year and a half, Kurogane. You locked me in an endless cycle of lessons with Tomoyo and Kendappa as my jailors, and just left me there! I came here to be with _you_, you bastard! Not so you could put me on some damn pedestal or be a playmate for your princess!"

He bit at Kurogane's throat this time, as if he was still a vampire, and bit hard enough that he heard the other man give a soft grunt of pain and tasted blood on his tongue. It was a flavor he remembered well, for all that it no longer drew him like a moth to a flame. It still had the power to arrest his attention, however, enough that he didn't realize that the man he claimed to love had gone still and quiet beneath him, or that the shoulders under his hands held the finest of tremors. It was still Kurogane's blood, the life essence that had supported his own life for a time and he could never forget the taste of salvation itself...

_**blood red blood scent blood taste everywhere upon my waking even in the air around me but as sweet as it is I am not drawn to drink I am not hungry why am I not hungry why am I not in the apartment oh Gods this is the alleyway behind the arena Kurogane underneath me but so still and so terribly pale and cold is he even alive yes but only barely and beaten so badly from being attacked from behind and I wanted to help but I didn't help I hurt and blood smeared everywhere on the ground on his skin on my clothes on the walls on his wrists where they tied them tight too tight the bonds broke skin and my claws broke skin blood on my hands just like Fai's on my hands so much blood all his blood he didn't fight me tried to calm me but I still hurt him I liked hurting him he tasted like paradise I felt so powerful I said everything that could take power away from him no no no this isn't what I wanted what have I done what do I do now I did too much said too much please don't hate me I deserve to have you hate me but don't hate me hate me hate me hate me**_

Fai was trembling so hard his entire body shook, the icy panic from the images and feelings racing through his mind rooting so deep into his heart that he could feel it breaking from the strain of it all. He whispered denials into the warm but sluggishly bleeding skin under his lips, sickened and confused and frightened. He heard nothing but his own breathy denials, saw nothing but an image that _could not_ have happened because he never did anything like that but what if he had? It didn't make sense but he couldn't get any of his thoughts to untangle enough to ask if Kurogane understood any better or even beg the man not to hate him.

He didn't hear it when a voice he loved and trusted called a name that was almost never used. He didn't see the ache deep in eyes the color of Fai's final and self-inflicted curse.

He didn't feel it when a strong hand gently but firmly pressed against certain nerve points, sending him into oblivion.

After that, it was only the darkness, the nothingness...

And the nightmares.

oooo

Kurogane caught Fai's body as it went limp, holding the slender man against his chest as he waited for his heart to stop racing. Kurogane would never be one to claim he was fearless, but the wizard's actions tonight had caused him to freeze up, unable to defend himself at a critical moment.

_**The tall thin figure hunched over the corpses of those who had bound and beaten him, slowly rising to his full height, claws fully extended and dripping blood, the single gold eye burning in the dark like the lanterns that lit the path to hell, hungry and soulless...**_

He'd seen a ghost of that in his friend's eyes tonight, enough that Kurogane knew that he wouldn't be sleeping anymore that evening.

If he did, all he would dream of was a single insane gold eye and the razor-sharp hiss of his full name in his ears. He'd never forget. He couldn't forget.

The Dimension Witch made sure of that.

But despite the price, Fai had tried to get close again, innocent of all his failures before and unknowingly weakening the seal that kept his sanity intact, despite the fact that it had been his wish to forget. All because he felt the same soul-deep connection that drove the ninja to keep him alive, no matter the cost.

This was all so much more complicated than Kurogane had originally thought it would be. With a deep breath to dispel the last vestiges of new pain (it could never become old pain), he shifted the unconscious man in his arms and slung him over his shoulder. Time to get the stubborn idiot back to his own quarters.

Mokona was waiting just outside the door, the red crystal in its forehead glowing in response to the magic that kept the seal in place. But it was much dimmer than last time, and guttered like a candle. Kurogane wasn't stupid. "It's not going to last much longer, is it?"

Mokona shook its head, ears drooping sadly. "Fai keeps breaking it without meaning to, and the magic is all weak and crumbling now. Mokona doesn't think it'll survive another breaking."

Kurogane made a face, but wasn't surprised. It was more or less what he'd expected to hear. "Go tell the others that they can come back in, pork bun. I'll go put this idiot in his own room to sleep it off."

"Okay!" Mokona replied, obviously relieved to have something it could do, and quickly bounded away.

Getting back to the royal wing was simple enough. All the guards and ninja who protected it knew Kurogane and did not challenge him, so he simply walked right into Fai's suite of rooms. Fai's personal maid was waiting there, looking anxious and confused, but he ignored her stuttered protests in favor of taking the mage into the little room that was meant for sleeping and put Fai down on his futon, covering him with the thick quilt folded at the foot.

And then, he just...stared. The ninja knew Fai had been right; they hadn't been this close to each other since they'd first come to Nihon, and that was entirely on purpose. Because even like this, even with Kurogane still feeling the cold sweat of terror, Fai was beautiful, and Kurogane didn't trust his own resolve if Fai was close enough to touch. As it was, he couldn't help brushing light fingers over the skin of one pale cheek.

Fai moaned softly at the contact, shifting restlessly before settling again, but his expression was tight with anxiety, even in deep sleep. Kurogane knew what visions were haunting Fai, and he hoped that they would fade just one more time.

_I can't do this anymore._ Failing seal aside, he couldn't handle going through it again, having Fai offer up everything that they both wanted, only to have it all dashed by the cruel reality of what lay hidden in Fai's memories. He'd been selfish in keeping Fai where he could see him, and they were both suffering for it. He never should have allowed Fai to come to Nihon. And while there was no way to fix that now, there was still something he could do to prevent another episode later.

Kurogane rose and went back out into the antechamber, nodding to the maid. "The prince is ill and needs to rest. Make sure he's comfortable." Then he left without waiting to hear the girl's reply.

Kurogane went back to his room, got dressed, and went out to the training yards. There, through the rest of the night, he practiced with Ginryuu and did his best to think of nothing in particular.

It didn't really work.

"_**You are nothing but food to me, Kurogane,"**_whispered the memory of a living nightmare, _**"And if you ever cease to be food, all you will be is **_**nothing****_."_**

Fai hadn't known how Kurogane had lost his family and home. But even so, those words had jarred against painful memories of his mother crumpled on the floor like a broken doll and his father's severed arm still clutching the ancestral sword even as it fell from an Oni's jaws. That the mage had struck on one of the few real vulnerabilities Kurogane retained from his past was the cruelest of blind chances, the wildest of coincidences. (Except that the Witch had claimed there were no coincidences, and Kurogane really didn't want to think about that verbal knife in the back being fate...)

Kurogane kept up his katas and forced the rest of that memory, the rest of that horrible one-sided conversation out of his mind, the feeling of his life and strength draining away in between poisonous words. He trained until dawn and past it, knowing that if he slept or even closed his eyes, he would only dream of the great shadowy hulks of demons. And they would all have Fai's golden vampire eye.

He told himself that he was _not_ afraid that after this newest incident, the eyes might have been an intense icy blue. And that if it had happened, he _would_ still be able to look the mage in the face and not cringe.

Then he stopped, because lying to himself was stupid.

The whole situation was stupid. And he'd been the one to make it that way, so he needed to be the one to clean up the mess as best he could. And to do that, he needed to speak to Kendappa and Tomoyo.

"_**Are you in love with me, Kurogane?"**_

"Yes, damn you," Kurogane growled to that mocking wisp of memory, turning to go back to the palace and clean up before presenting himself to the Empress and the Tsukiyomi. "For all the good that did either of us."

oooo

"You wish to return to Suwa?"

The Divine Empress Amaterasu of Nihon was not the sort of woman easily taken aback, but Kurogane definitely saw the slightest traces of surprise in her otherwise controlled expression. He could see it in how dark eyes lingered first over the bruise coloring his cheek and next over the scabbed-over bite mark on his throat. That surprise showed far more clearly on Souma's face where she stood behind Kendappa. Tomoyo, seated to the Empress's right, merely looked sad.

"You have refused every request and order the priests have thrown at you to rebuild your home before this," Kendappa continued. "To the point where their petitions have become more than a small irritation, in fact. So why do you wish to go now?"

Kurogane thought of tangled blonde hair and frantic blue eyes, and whispered denials into the still sore skin of his throat. "It's time." he replied. "I have obligations and responsibilities. I waited too long to make a decision, and now I have to accept the consequences and rebuild."

"I see," Kendappa murmured, and Kurogane was suddenly sure that she _did_ see. Perhaps not all of it, but enough to put the slightest glint of sympathy in her gaze. "Very well, I will choose a party to accompany you and help with the rebuilding. Workmen and guards, of course, and also a powerful priest and miko and their acolytes. You will leave tomorrow." the Empress replied, her tone an obvious dismissal.

Kurogane mentally translated that to mean that Kendappa was going to pick out every one of the priesthood that had badgered her about Suwa and its dormant rice paddies and send them with him to get well and truly covered in mud and Oni guts. Plus the added bonus of punishing Kurogane for ignoring them to the point that they got that annoying by giving him no choice but to put up with them. Because sympathy and double-meanings aside, she would get revenge on anyone who pissed her off.

Thus proving Kurogane's personal theory that all powerful women were evil and dangerous and not to be approached without caution. (Because even Sakura had had her moments.)

Before he could leave, however, Tomoyo rose smoothly from her cushions and tilted her head in aristocratic invitation. "Kurogane, walk with me," she murmured, and while the words were soft, there was still the subtle ring of a command. He nodded and moved to her side as she slipped out the side door into the garden beyond, curious to hear what his princess had to say to him.

"Are you sure about this, Kurogane?" she asked as they wandered slowly down the cobblestone path. When Kurogane looked at her, her expression was grave. "If you leave now, Fai will wake without his closest friend nearby, confused and unhappy. And if you are not there, a resolution cannot be reached. He'll miss you, and you'll miss him, and both of you will remain in pain. I don't like seeing my dear friends like that."

Kurogane regarded her for a moment, biting back the instinctive urge to snap at her. Not because she was his princess, because quite frankly, he'd snapped at the Tsukiyomi more than once and gotten nothing but her amusement out of it, but because he realized that he truly _did not_ have any secrets from the woman. "You know," he finally said, and it wasn't a question. He felt shame then, because while he had no secrets from Tomoyo, there were things he had not wished her to see. Especially how weak he was against one skinny mage. "You know what happened between us, and what I paid to the Witch."

"I was still a Dreamseer when you and Fai were battling in Infinity, Kurogane. And I have to ask, haven't the two of you suffered enough? Fai is stronger now than he was then."

"You haven't seen him after a flashback. I won't put him through that again, Tomoyo. It hurts him more if I'm nearby."

"It hurts you both." Tomoyo corrected, "But you will hurt more when you are away, because there is nothing to remind you that the one memory you can't forget is only a small facet of who Fai is. I worry that you'll forget everything of him except what cannot be forgotten. Distance and memory are dangerous things, Kurogane. Distance blurs even the sweetest visions, and you might forget the good things that made you love Fai. You'll be left with nothing but the nightmare of how he reduced you to little more than an animal."

"If it keeps him sane, I'll accept that." the ninja replied softly. "I had a hand in him snapping that night, Tomoyo. He'd been avoiding feeding from me from the beginning, and I let him do so, because I figured he'd come to me when he was finally too hungry to stand it. He didn't. I could tell he was starving, but I didn't push when I should have and he didn't want to accept the life I'd attempted to preserve. And then one night I was careless on the way back from a match and let a bunch of toughs corner and overpower me, and they were doing their best to kill me when the mage showed up to snipe at me for wandering off. The stupid fools made the mistake of attacking him, and he took care of them in seconds. After that, he was angry, on the biggest blood-high I've ever seen in anyone, and there I was, tied up and bleeding. It was more than he could handle, and it made something in him snap hard enough to break his own humanity. I won't run from the mistakes I made, and I'll shoulder his because that's the decision he made."

"But you'll run from him."

Kurogane paused, something in him _aching_ at that sad little claim. "I..."

His princess turned to stand in front of him, and rested gentle hands over his heart. "This is broken. You have carried that pain for years because you love that man. Can't you allow him to use his own love to ease that pain?"

"No." Kurogane looked at her with eyes dark and full of too many hurtful things to ever separate them all. "You know I can't. Not yet. I'm not ready...and not worthy. When he came to me last night, I froze in the light of his eyes. I could not bring myself to trust him not to try to kill me. He doesn't deserve to have me doubt him like that. I need to be away, where he's not always just out of reach, so that both of us can heal."

"That doesn't mean you have to exile yourself, Kurogane. Surely there's another solution."

Kurogane shook his head. "Emotional and mental crap aside, I want him to be free. He spent most of his life fighting various forms of cages. The morning after he lost himself, when I woke up and realized how far he'd allowed his guilt to make him fall... He looked at me like he'd destroyed something priceless both in me and himself that could never be mended again. If I'd let him stay like that, even if he hadn't attempted to kill himself over it, he'd have spent the rest of his life burdened by the guilt and treating me like I was something too fragile to depend on. He'd have shackled himself to me out of a sense of penance, thinking he had to guard me from the universe like some cracked jade token. That is not what I want for him or me. I won't become just another length of chain or set of bars."

"He loves you. More than that, he is your best friend. Don't you suppose he'd understand how you feel?"

"He fell in love with me believing that I came out of all this more or less whole, except for an arm. He trusts me to be able to stand at his back without wavering and trusts himself to guard my back in return. More, he _trusts me_ to _trust him_. If he remembers, that trust will be the first thing to disappear. And every time he comes to me, everything gets that much closer to ending. I want him to have a life, Tomoyo. Not an existence where all he does is pay penance."

Tomoyo frowned, not pleased with the answer but knowing that when Kurogane was this stubborn, changing his mind was impossible. "If you are determined, I will send you on your way with my blessing. But forgive me if I pray that a happier conclusion might be reached someday."

"Save your prayers for the mage. He needs them more than I do." The words sounded harsh, but Tomoyo could hear the genuine emotion behind them. The unspoken plea to be there because he knew that his leaving would hurt Fai and he would need her friendship more than ever.

The princess nodded solemnly, but did not immediately speak, instead walking down the path towards the koi pond, where Mokona was perched on the edge, dancing for the fish. The sound of Tomoyo's footsteps alerted it to their presence, and it looked up.

"Kuro!" Mokona abandoned its new fishy friends to hop up onto the ninja's head. "Kurogane's going to make a home in Suwa now?"

"How the hell did you hear that from out here?!"

"It's one of Mokona's 108 super-secret techniques! Extreme Eavesdropping! And Mokona will come too!"

"Like hell you will, damn pork bun! I need you to stay here and keep an eye on the idiot."

"No!" Mokona stomped down on Kurogane's head with one fuzzy foot. "If Mokona did that, Kuro-puu would be all alone. Mokona made a wish to Watanuki that Kurogane wouldn't be alone even when he can't be with Fai, so Mokona will go!"

Kurogane growled. Talk of wishes made him nervous. "What did you pay, pork bun? Is this why the kid with glasses said you wouldn't jump worlds anymore?"

"Hmmmmaybe! Mokona doesn't think Mokona will tell you! Wishes are private things, and Mokona doesn't want big mean Kuro-puu to step on Mokona's maidenly heart."

"That's bullsh—"

Mokona made a little huffing noise and bounced on Kurogane's head again before smiling brightly at the Tsukiyomi and jumping into her arms.

"Don't worry," it whispered in her ear, "Mokona made a wish, you see. That someday Kuro-puu and Fai can be together and not sad anymore. Mokona hasn't found the price just yet, so the wish isn't ready to be granted, but someday everything will be fixed." Then it bounced a little and said in a much louder voice, "Mokona will remind Kurogane if he forgets good things! Mokona and everyone will make Suwa a nice place where Fai can come live and be happy and drink lots and lots of sake! So Tomoyo should watch over Fai until then, and teach him lots of things!"

Kurogane rolled his eyes at Mokona's optimism.

Tomoyo blinked at the little construct, then slowly, sadly, smiled. Mokona had not given up on a happy ending someday. Tomoyo would not, either. "All right. But Kurogane, at the very least send us letters updating us on your progress. If you insist on being bullheaded enough to wander off and bury yourself in the wilderness, I refuse to have my darling adopted brother worry about you getting eaten by a ravening duck or something of the sort."

"Aaah! Kurogane is duck food!"

"Oi!"

oooo

When Fai awoke three days later, sick and heart-sick from terrible nightmares that he could not remember, Kurogane had gone. Upon hearing this news, he simply curled up under his covers and wept.

It seemed the chase was over, and he had lost.

~end

A/N: Nightingale flooring is an anti-assassination measure used in some of the old palaces in Japan, where the nails in the floor are designed to rub up against a jacket or clamp and make loud "chirping" noises. Considering how often Shirasagi seemed to receive unwelcome visitors, it's almost certain that they'd employ this method. You can find a sound file on wikipedia, and it would truly be impossible for anyone to sleep through, especially if someone stomped down the hall in a rage like Fai did. This is probably the underlying source of that cliché in all bad ninja movies where the ninja walk on the ceiling or walls.

Added author's note: We still need voters for the kurofai olympics! If you enjoyed this story and want to read other stories by writers a THOUSAND TIMES better than I am, go to **kurofai dot dreamwidth dot org** . And please remember to vote! Oh, and for all that have asked...yes, I am writing a sequel to this. It killed me just as much to write the sad ending. Please put down the torches and pitchforks...


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